Something Off

8:58 AM



I didn't know, honestly, how hard it is for you. Maybe every time you step on the peddle, every time you're behind the wheels. There's this trauma replaying in your head that something like your friend would repeat itself.

I overlooked how it can be that important to you just because I wasn't myself and I was being childish. I couldn't think for you, or well, our safety. I know I'm reckless... I'm deeply sorry. From the deepest and most sincere heart, I'm sorry. Doesn't matter what it is, I naively thought that it would be okay to be reckless because you're okay with me getting my way out of things.

It matters to me, it matters to you too.

You know it.

I do too.

Don't deny it and let me know. I don't want to hurt you emotionally ever again, because believe me, believe us, we both know better than anyone else that, things that matter the most can never be taken lightly, it should always be something to be alert of. And the trust we have, it should be cherished, not played about.

Sorry...

I really am. Regretful and remorseful enough, I apologize.

I'm really sorry.

I will try my best. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I will change for the better.

*


There's this knot inside that'll never be untied because I understand and I've tried so many times. Yes, I shouldn't give up on things that easily but I'm really tired and I know that loosing this doesn't really mean I'll loose that much. All I need is to let loose of myself, set myself free from at least this one little knot. It's suffocating and it's eating me up slowly.

Yes, we maybe close, because you like being with me (as others would describe) but I'd love you to understand that if it means knowing ones dislikes but still very purposely/accidentally stepping on their tail; where's that so-called close friends. Preposterous. Ridiculous statement. For instance, I hate the feeling of being touch; human contact. It's not a phobia, but I have a feeling of discomfort inside me, telling me that I loathe touch. You know that fact, but still, you'll get itchy and do exactly it.

And no, there's nothing worth showing off if you know MORE about another, yes, it might get you a little shimmer of the spotlight but that shimmer is like a candle, once a little small wind movement would kill off the shine. What's that 'knowledge' for? To create more gossips and aim the spotlight at yourself? I don't understand, really.

I don't know, I don't want to leash out my anger that's why I'm holding it in. I don't want to regret after letting out on you because I snapped. I want to clear my mind, then talk to you about it. But sometimes, I wonder, I've told you more than once, constantly, repeatedly, but yet, you're the same, I don't see an ounce of change at all. Maybe you need something more serious than a few days of ignorance from me. Maybe, to you, I'm not serious at all. Most of the time I'm mad at you, you won't notice, because you think you're so good to be true? And yet, you can ask; "Who've pissed Penny off?"

We, humans, people.

Me, I, get tired too. I don't know how long I can hold it in anymore. But one day, if I snap, I want you to know that, even if you've lost this friend, you'll have more in the future, only if you promise to change.

Not everything is about yourself, not everyone wants their secrets or matters shared by someone who aren't themselves. No one wishes for selfishness or pride, ego or vanity. Not everyone is you, don't judge others and compare their matters to yours because you're not them and they are not you; so the outcome is different. It varies. It doesn't have to end up like how you predict they would. Not a simple compliment beforehand would really cushion the 'bomb' you're about to aim at their business.

She always tells me to overlook your weakness and magnify your good points; which is, you treat your friends very well. That's true but, do your 'friends' help to save you? Help to pull you out of the misery in your life and do your 'friends' help you see the good in your future? No they don't. I can assure you that.

Like I've mentioned before; It takes a real friend to tell you things that hurt you the most to avoid you from getting hurt by other people in the end. For sure you can't accept it at first but you'll understand. I've always said, if it takes our argument to make you change for the better, I rather give up our friendship because it will help make you be a better person. But, if you refuse to. I'm sorry, let's just say my investment in you have failed and I'm a bad friend. Sometimes, people around you can see clearer than yourself because we are human, and we refuse to see the weakness in ourselves until we are told.

Every one differs, no one is perfect and no one is near perfect even. Grow up and think properly, who'd argue with you even if it risks every second of their friendship to help you realize? And if you want to count of every mistakes you've made, take it all out, for better or for worse, say it all out and settle everything since there's only one solution, opt for one that satisfy both. LET IT ALL OUT. Keeping all the problems about each other to yourselves and end up being strangers again or let it all out, make the other chance, THEN end up being strangers; which one's more beneficial. THINK. Seriously, not that hard.

A true friend. Only a true friend would risk all that. Why can you say one point and then when something happens, that important point is completely thrown out the window. Words cannot be taken easily.

Do you see it?

I know that I have my flaws and I have my weak points, that's why I constantly ask you guys to point it out to me. I want to change, not to satisfy anyone but to be a better person. For myself. I don't know if you want the same, let me know, if you don't want to change, then let me know. I won't force you. Maybe you think your way of conducting things, judging situations, making decisions, and so on is always the correct way and if you think that everyone can accept it, then fine. Don't change. I don't have the rights to tell you to change but... think.

He scolded you because of the very same reason and now I'm at the verge of snapping at the exact same reason. You haven't changed at all, from the same person that made him same and now the same exact person who's about to make me snap.

*

To my readers, who are still here, I'll post a better one next time. I just need to get this out off of my chest.

Love.

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Blessings for the beautiful souls.

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