It's a few more days from a new year, 2014.
I won't be doing any crappy resolution which I will just end up piling up with the rest of the things I would surely procrastinate over doing.

Instead, I'll be going a full reflection on my life until this point of moment.

I will not lie and say that I was never naive nor filled with magical fairy dusts that buys me fantasies that things will always be sparkly and mean people only exists on the telly.

Okay maybe the magical fairy dust is a little too not me, I just never thought people could have that many faces okay. (lol)

& now, going through works and college and staying with people who ain't family, I learned so many things..

And even though it's painful, but only during the darkest moment you get to see who will give you a hand. If we're not too clouded by the pain, you'll see who is pretending to lend you hand.


I learned so many things..

So many things has awakened me..So many things has awakened me from this deep sleep..

People try to hurt me with words and lies, bring me down and sink me deeper.

I thought I was going to sink.. it did hurt but the trust has brought me a shield.. A protective shield that will never go away.

I know who is real, who isn't.. okay maybe not yet in the state that I know who is real but at least I can confirm who is really fake.

I learn that people has many faces, some with really mean bitchy faces that goes around hurting people.

I also learned that trust comes to build after meeting challenges..


One thing that made me realize I was always doing wrong was, letting my anger cloud my judgement.. I thought I was good at controlling this, but turned out I never was. But now, from leashing out, I can actually sit down for a drink with anger before making any decisions. Weighing things from their pros and cons.

Yours Truly has grown up, it's about time isn't it?

Yours Truly has awakened from a long nightmare of anger and in denial.

Not everyone is almighty, even with the greatest plan there's a loophole.

I learned to appreciate every one** even if they have pissed me off really badly before because every one has beauty but not everyone sees it.

**But backstabbing people who try to hurt people I love, or hurt me and try to get my pity. That's doing too much. Maybe one day I can forgive that person but not now. Not next year. That person has done too much.

I feel more sane, more confident, more right even making decisions now.

Even found the need and time to sit down and get things straight every now and then, to think of my day or week. Or even think for myself and people whom I love around me..

Some people find me staring into space, okay, maybe Biscuits sees a lot of that in me but during that moment, things run wild like crazy in my mind.

Things in my life, gems and loves.

And all the near death moments I went through within these few weeks got me thinking really deep..
So deep even at a small possibility of leaving brings me into a sobbing fit..

Wiping away the in-deniability and blurred thoughts, I made up my mind to wake up.

To wake up from the old me and become a new me, though cliche, new me new year.

Hopefully, waking up now, isn't too late.

I realized in these few days there are things in my mind that I have changed & by change, I mean it in a good way because I'm more temperament ( I know I may not be the best in controlling my anger and I always make rash decisions such as blabber my anger or my frustration all online or doing things I knew I would regret before doing it and yet doing it) I am doing things I do not normally do; e.g. keep a reflection journal (not a diary but a reflection journal) where I reflect on what I have done and what better could I have done and how I appreciate a days of hard work and how to think in people's shoes.

I was a bad person == I mean, I was so harsh and mean sometimes, not mean girls mean but I could be worse. I was ugly, personality was ugly but I changed that, I could see that. I mean, if I accept people for who they are, they will do the same to me right? Gives and takes, that's what life is all about.

I hope, what we've been through will only be a phase..to make us stronger and more solid in our relationship, because I have learned so much, I grew up so much and believe in the strong will of the both of us.

Even though life may seem hard with all the piling assignments and errands and life itself going on; never give up.

We only live once.

I have my ups and downs like many other people.
Even worse when my hormones go crazy with the month, but just bear with it.
I may have negative thoughts when my whole turbulence wave comes but at least they are only thoughts with no action put to it. It's just how I wish to express my hatred and my disagreement to the situation.
I know there's always a silver lining around every fluffy clouds in the world but with my choice, I'd like to choose my own path, and have my own chances.
Other people's failure doesn't mean it'll be the same for me. Maybe the possibilities of falling into the same down pit category is big because it's a majority factor but I believe I am special.
Everyone is special in their own way so am I.
I do not end up like other people out on the streets if I make myself better, if I make that choice and fall on my own.

I get back up.

Let me give it a try, give me a chance.
Don't judge me and try to put others' shadow in my reflection.
I am me, they are them.
Nothing ends the same if you don't let them to.

I believe in myself and as who I've believed in for so many years, I hope you give me some trust too.

Thanks.

Sometimes, problems come up and just so coincidentally, they happen to happen when you're in your moody days.
You feel like the world just collapsed on you, the whole world's burden on your shoulders.
It feels hard to breathe, it's hard to even look through the tear blinded eyes.
Do what you want, eat what you want or simply do nothing. Just give yourself a moment.
Free your mind, blast some music or just let the tears run.
Remember, life is too short to hold grudges for too long or to put a pause to.

In a relationship, I have a different attitude. Not that I'm a hypocrite but in a sense that I'm different.

I love to wheedle and cuddle with my girlfriend.
I love to hold her hands and have as much skin contact as possible whenever possible because this keeps me safe. And as silly as it sounds, I feel serene to know that she's beside me, close to me.
I love it when she's pressed against my chest, just lying there, sleeping or napping. It keeps the butterflies calm and my heart beat worth the beats.
I love to whisper in her ears and run my fingers through her hair because it's endearment to me and it's very comforting.
 I love to listen to her voice because her voice is love.
 I love to hear her complain about the very little things in life and can't help but to mesmerize when she speaks of all her plans in the future because her eyes sparkles. I love to dive deep into her chocolaty eyes of hers and be the only one in her eyes.


 I know I've been hurting her a lot because of my ignorance in certain things in life, how selfish and how naive I get some times. I'm really sorry. Though it hurts to cry but it hurts me a million times more to see her eyes, swollen and so mysteriously dark, not the light brown I adore, after a cry.

To know that it was caused by me, is like having a knife stabbed right through my heart.

I hate how I always cry and worry her. How I keep quiet and not answer her questions to my tears. Because they were never caused by her, only because of my delirious thoughts of the nightmare I had, the fear I have, that caused it. Not her. It's unfair how she thinks it's because of her. She's so understanding and thoughtful.

No one is perfect, not me, not her. But it's how we choose to see beyond the imperfections that makes life beautiful and love such a miracle. 

 I appreciate her, I love her, I need her, I want to protect her, I want her forever and I will never ever leave. I love you, my love. I love you, my baby boo. I love you, my bii. I love you, my superman. I love you, my ever gracious love. I love you, my lover. I love you, my girlfriend. I love you, my Lim Wei En. I love you, my Lim Sze Ling. I love you, my G-Nil. I love you, my life.

You can't expect too much from a person can you?

We are all human beings, we all have feelings and we all have our personal times.

You can't expect a friend to always find time for you to hang out with you. A real friend would understand that it's time to really find time for each other. A real friend would understand you need your time and there's seriously no need for each other to meet that often, as long as they know you're doing well. A real friend would never force or say that you've changed because "You never hang out with us anymore."
A real friend would find ways to know who you've been doing without taking too much of your time. A little effort is needed to know, too much would mean that you're too obsessed. A real friend don't mind being distant but still close at heart, knowing that one day you'll find time to update each other.

Have you tried, not speaking for a long time, then telling each other stories of your life back again to your friend makes you remember how special the bond you have for each other and it's really comforting.

It's comforting to know how your real friend would stay, after that long time of silence, then appear to hear you out when it's time. Find a friend like that because a friend's not a diary/blog, you don't need it every second. Find some time for yourself, be independent. They don't owe you anything and you don't too except for the bond you share, where you have things to share.

I rather have that short longing feeling than to have to find topics to talk about every SECOND you meet your friend.

Absence makes the heart fonder.
This applies to friendship too.

I have a friend, who doesn't really matter how many times we've meet each other in four years time and yet we still know we can find each other to talk about things that really matter because sometimes it takes an old friend to remind you that you're you and no matter what happens, they'll be your back up.

A real friend will never mind if you find new friends as long as you let them know they are not forgotten. People change, they have lives too and they need changes. Be supportive and understand them.

Most of the times, those who find you where millions of people can see them (Facebook comments, Twitter,  or any other social medias where privacy isn't really private at all unless in inbox, private messages or text messages, or phone calls) need gossips to feed their craves, not because they want to really know what's been going on in life.

So, be wise. (:

& oh, unless you are their parents or they owe their life to you, you don't necessarily need to do anything for them out of guilt. If they are your real friends, they'd know that you have your reasons to not meet them because the timing's just not right. A real friend would never mind.

I didn't know, honestly, how hard it is for you. Maybe every time you step on the peddle, every time you're behind the wheels. There's this trauma replaying in your head that something like your friend would repeat itself.

I overlooked how it can be that important to you just because I wasn't myself and I was being childish. I couldn't think for you, or well, our safety. I know I'm reckless... I'm deeply sorry. From the deepest and most sincere heart, I'm sorry. Doesn't matter what it is, I naively thought that it would be okay to be reckless because you're okay with me getting my way out of things.

It matters to me, it matters to you too.

You know it.

I do too.

Don't deny it and let me know. I don't want to hurt you emotionally ever again, because believe me, believe us, we both know better than anyone else that, things that matter the most can never be taken lightly, it should always be something to be alert of. And the trust we have, it should be cherished, not played about.

Sorry...

I really am. Regretful and remorseful enough, I apologize.

I'm really sorry.

I will try my best. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I will change for the better.



There's this knot inside that'll never be untied because I understand and I've tried so many times. Yes, I shouldn't give up on things that easily but I'm really tired and I know that loosing this doesn't really mean I'll loose that much. All I need is to let loose of myself, set myself free from at least this one little knot. It's suffocating and it's eating me up slowly.

Yes, we maybe close, because you like being with me (as others would describe) but I'd love you to understand that if it means knowing ones dislikes but still very purposely/accidentally stepping on their tail; where's that so-called close friends. Preposterous. Ridiculous statement. For instance, I hate the feeling of being touch; human contact. It's not a phobia, but I have a feeling of discomfort inside me, telling me that I loathe touch. You know that fact, but still, you'll get itchy and do exactly it.

And no, there's nothing worth showing off if you know MORE about another, yes, it might get you a little shimmer of the spotlight but that shimmer is like a candle, once a little small wind movement would kill off the shine. What's that 'knowledge' for? To create more gossips and aim the spotlight at yourself? I don't understand, really.

I don't know, I don't want to leash out my anger that's why I'm holding it in. I don't want to regret after letting out on you because I snapped. I want to clear my mind, then talk to you about it. But sometimes, I wonder, I've told you more than once, constantly, repeatedly, but yet, you're the same, I don't see an ounce of change at all. Maybe you need something more serious than a few days of ignorance from me. Maybe, to you, I'm not serious at all. Most of the time I'm mad at you, you won't notice, because you think you're so good to be true? And yet, you can ask; "Who've pissed Penny off?"

We, humans, people.

STD: This is for the two of you. Never could have found a better song :)